Say Something
by hazelnight
Summary: "I love Chaol," she swallowed hard. "I always will in a way, I think. But Dorian…you came first." Those words were simple. They weren't the grandest declaration ever spoken, not even the most romantic ones, really. They were plain. But those words… they were everything.


Say something

After the last battle in Crown of Midnight, when Celaena tells him that she is going to meet him up at his tower in a few minutes. But the outcome is not what he expected to hear. It's better, a million times better…

Dorian paced the room in his tower. He was exhausted, and his head still pounded, even after the healer's help. But more than anything, it was his heart that hurt.  
I'll meet you later, Celaena had said. Later, after dealing with Chaol.  
Dorian sighed, sinking in an armchair. He and Chaol had been incredibly close growing up. It had been them against the world, basically. He had begun to take it for granted. Chaol had always had his back. Losing him now, after losing Celaena, was too hard. He rose from his armchair again to go to the window, staring at the immensity of the castleground. Bitter bile rose in his throat. I have this great big castle, he thought, and yet I lost the girl. I lost her because of this stupid throne.  
He knew Celaena was freer than he would ever be, and it wouldn't be fair for them to be together. He couldn't enslave her in that way.  
But you wouldn't be enslaving her, a voice in his heart whispered her. Not if you loved her.  
His mind travelled back, far back to when she was still competing to because the King's Champion, and they had gotten closer, almost without realizing it. He remembered that time he had taught her to play billiard. They had stayed up all night like kids with not a care in the world. Almost as if he wasn't their heir to Erilea's largest kingdom, and she wasn't its most famous assassin.  
Almost.

He had seen her before Chaol had. Didn't that count for anything? Or had she just tired from him and decided to move on to a new hunt? He made a mental note to ask her, though he already knew he never would. He was too afraid of what she would say.  
Yeah, I used you. Deal with it. He grimaced, just imagining those words coming out of her mouth. So he lost himself in a memory even more pleasant. The first time they had kiss, in front of the crackling heart. His body had been laced with desire. He wanted her then, as he had wanted her every day since. Every day.

"Dorian?" The door turned, and Celaena shuffled through. She looked battered, as was too often the case.  
"Hey," He didn't move from the window. Couldn't bridge the distance between them, just to have her push him away again. He forced himself to stay in that spot, even when she winced as she sat down on the armchair he had just left, and he had to restrain himself from rushing to her aid. She sighed, the weariness of the world in her slumped shoulders. "I'm sorry about tonight," She said. "All of this… it was all my fault."  
"Well," he teased, the corners of his handsome mouth turning up in a small smile. "Kind of, yeah."  
"Hey!" She protested, grabbing a cushion from the chair and shooting it at him with astonishing precision, so that it wacked him right in the chest. "Only I'm allowed to say that."  
He was relieved to see her looking just a tiny bit happier. He ran a hand over his face, tiredness finally getting to him. He glanced out the window, at the frozen grounds. Sometimes it would be so much easier to be someone else, to be far far away. Away from this girl who was breaking his heart, every second of every day, piece by piece.

Celaena watched his silhouette, outlined by the gray light echoing off the snow and the stars. From where she was sitting, she could see the stars, the tip of the Stag's tail. Just enough to guide her to make the right decision.  
He was beautiful. She had always thought him immensely handsome, especially when he poised his expressive sapphire eyes on her like that. She remembered when just being this close to him would sent thrills coursing through her whole body. She was too tired for thrills. But, when he looked at her that way, she felt the ghost of something stirring for her. As if the thrills were just waiting, waiting under the surface, waiting for her to understand what her heart had been telling her all along. What her brain had denied her.

He crossed the room in a few short strides to sink in the armchair beside her. There was a foot of distance between them, a distance she warily noticed because it hadn't always been there. She suddenly had a crazy urge to reach out and touch him. She sat on her hands.

"How's Chaol?" Dorian asked. His eyes had clouded over, guarded now. "As good as he can be, considering we just got pummelled by a demon." She shrugged, a glimmer of humour in her gold-rimmed eyes. "I'll go see him tomorrow morning, to check up on him."  
"Not tonight?" Dorian asked brusquely, more brusquely than he had wanted to. He cleared his throat.  
He could feel her watching her, and his cheeks coloured. "Actually, I was hoping that maybe I could stay here tonight," Celaena said quietly.

"Oh?" Dorian said, hoping she hadn't noticed the way his heart leaped out of his chest.  
"Just so I don't have to do that trek again while injured." Her voice was laced with amusement.  
"Oh." He nodded stiffly. Of course there would be no other reason. "You can have the bed." He said, staring at his hands, flexing them and closing them. "I'll take the couch."  
Silence spread between them. Celaena reached out tentatively, placing a steadying hand on top of his. He stopped working his muscles, looking up.

Celaena had the advantage of having startled him, for once. She could see the question mark in his blue eyes, in the hopeful set of his mouth. But now, she had to say something. And she had never been good at speeches.  
Her pulse quickened.

"Dorian," She said, holding his gaze. "I… Well, I… I think we made a mistake." She finally blurted out. "When we decided to be friends. Dorian, I miss you so much it hurts." The last words had come out as a whisper. They were true, every one of them. Nothing like fighting monsters to make you realize you had a connection with someone.  
"What about Chaol?" He looked like someone who couldn't believe his ears, who didn't want to. Her heart hurt as she realized how much she had hurt him.

He waited as she thought her answer over, carefully weighing her words. Her pause had only lasted a few seconds, but to Dorian, it was many lifetimes. "I love Chaol," she swallowed hard. "I always will in a way, I think." That was why he didn't want to believe, because the pain coursing through his body now was more than anything he could endure. "But Dorian…you came first."  
Those words were simple. They weren't the grandest declaration ever spoken, not even the most romantic ones, really. They were plain.  
But those words… those words were everything.

She could hardly believe the way light exploded in his eyes, a spark that had been burning dangerously low. But as he looked at her now, his eyes sweeping across her face like a warm caress, she realized it had never burned out. He had never stopped loving her, even when she had pushed him away, again and again. It was that steady trust, that inextinguishable belief that made her lean forwards, her heart beating so hard it hurt.  
He stood frozen on the spot, his chest rising and falling irregularly. "Celaena, I'm about to kiss you," the crown prince said. "And there is nothing you could do to stop me." His jaw was set with determination.  
"Well," she argued, just for the fun of it, "I am Adarlan's assassin so I mean- "  
Whatever she meant was lost as he leaned forwards and kissed her. She had forgotten how sweet his lips tasted, how soft they were.  
She smiled against his mouth, deepening the kiss, until her world spun and all she could see were stars. Stars and a young girl dancing on a balcony, after a long night spent with her prince. A girl dreaming of what could be. But she didn't have to dream anymore. "Dorian," she breathed, and he pulled away, his face flaming red.

"Sorry," he said, his heart beating wildly in his chest. "Yeah," she said slowly, blinking slowly, as if coming out of a trance.

Dorian stood, forcing himself to put some distance between him and her. He knew if he didn't, he wouldn't be able to resist the urge to pull her into his arms and kiss her again. He whirled around to face her, blue eyes blazing with a sudden heat. "You know what, Celaena? I'm not sorry I kissed you! And I'm not sorry I love you. I've always loved you, way before Chaol did. Or can't you see that? Please tell me this isn't a game again, because I swear, if it is-" Dorian ran a hand through his hair, messing it up even further. His eyes clouded with emotion when he looked at her, really looked at her, seeing every piece of her, every piece of her sould, and loving every part of it. "Celaena, I have never felt this way about anyone else. And I sure as hell am making a fool of myself." He finished, looking at her in a mute prayer for help.  
To his surprise, she laughed. Celaena laughed, tilting her head back, the lilting song echoing through the room. He folded his arms across his chest. "Are you done laughing at me?" He grumbled, when her laughter had faded a little.  
She nodded, her gold-circled eyes locking on his. She stretched out her hand, an offering of peace. "Dorian," she said affectionately, "you don't know how good that felt." Celaena saw how insulted he looked, and bit her heart not to laugh agin.  
"Dorian" she repeated, more quietly this time, looking up at him. "You're a far better person than I'm ever going to be." She went on before he could interrupt her. "We both know it's true. So I can't," she swallowed hard, "lay my feelings on a platter like you just did. But," she leaned in towards him, "If you just look at me, I think you'll understand." Her voice was a whisper, hoarse and vibrant with emotions barely held back.  
Dorian looked at her, really looked at her. And in those eyes, he saw everything she had promised him. That feeling that she couldn't put into words was shining in her eyes just as surely as if she had voiced it aloud.  
That was the only confirmation he needed to kiss her. To kiss her, and never, never let her go. 


End file.
